Testimony by Jim O'Loughlin

I wish first to address the scurrilous rumors of which I am sure you are all aware. Rather than dignify these rumors by repeating them, let me simply emphasize that at no time did male executives of our company engage in sexual conduct involving female prostitutes and winged animals of both sexes. Despite press reports to the contrary, there was no videotape of such sexual encounters taking place at our corporate headquarters, nor did I order the destruction of any such videotape.

You may also be aware of photographs circulating on the Internet that purport to show executives of our company engaged in the sexual conduct just noted. I assure you that these pictures obviously have been doctored, particularly in the addition of the endangered American bald eagle to photographs of alleged sexual activity. Though, in fact, the American bald eagle does appear on our corporate logo and letterhead, no one from our company has had any physical contact whatsoever with an actual American bald eagle. It is our corporate policy that no animals are to be harmed by any of our business practices, even those which are not, technically, business related.

Let me repeat that despite all the wild rumors, the doctored photographs--and, yes, notwithstanding the bird feathers recovered by police--there has been no conclusive evidence offered that shows that any of the activities described above did in fact occur.

Now, I know my purpose in being here today is not to discuss these rumors, but I felt it necessary to address, in a forthright and open manner, accusations that I have felt--to use a phrase that may not be entirely appropriate in this context--hanging like an albatross around my neck.

For the record, I want you to know how saddened my family and I have been by the pain caused by our company’s recent setbacks. Despite what you may have read, I have not been aloof and isolated in the face of mass layoffs and the collapse of our employee retirement portfolio. As the founder of this company, I personally have suffered through every firing and each drop in our stock price. Though I should note that I no longer hold significant shares of stock in the company and, in addition, the nature of my position kept me out of day to day decision making for the company during the period under current criminal investigation. So while I have been deeply affected by these events, I have had no personal responsibility for them.

At this point, Senators, I would like to extend myself to answer questions you may have. I must note that, on the advice of counsel, I will afford myself of the protections provided for me by our Constitution in regard to questions relating to the company, my sale of company shares, or any other item currently or potentially under criminal investigation. In all other matters, my life is an open book.

© 2003 Jim O'Loughlin

Jim O'Loughlin is host of the Final Thursday Reading Series <http://geocities.com/finalthursday> in Cedar Falls, IA. His work has been featured in Utne Reader's Webwatch and is forthcoming or has appeared in The Green Tricycle, La Petite Zine, Prairie Poetry, dotlit and Friction Magazine.